Sometimes, I am finding, something can be missing, and I will not know it is missing.
Sometimes, until something shows up, I don’t realize that it’s not there.
But then something happens…like a spontaneous hug…an unasked for hug. A hug that I did not have to give step by step instructions for (“put your arms around me and squeeze”), and I realize that I missed that.
I am realizing that I have missed many things. I have missed some things that, if little M had been with us since birth, I might have taken for granted.
But there are things I will never take for granted ever again. Not just a spontaneous hug, but an arm around the neck when I am holding her. Eye contact without my asking her to look at me, and grabbing and holding my hand when we are walking.
For the past two mornings, when little M has woken up, she has called for me. She has called for mommy, and she trusted that I would come. For eleven months, she has been home, and she has never called for me. Never. She was always happy for me to come get her out of bed, but it never occurred to her to call me.
And I realized when she calls for me, trusting that I would come to her, this had been missing. All these months, without knowing I was missing this, it was lacking. It is such a big step for little M, and I know it may not sound like a big deal, but for little M to realize that not only am I HER mommy, but that I will come when she needs me… this is HUGE. It is such a big step in our attachment, and I am thrilled, but with all of the rejoicing, there is also mourning. because it also makes me sad. I am sad for the little M who spent eleven months not calling out for her mommy, not knowing who to trust.