And Then Love

My dearest little M,

We have had a long road, you and I. Some parts of that road were easy going, and some were twisty, and hard. I think both of us are glad to be on this side of the journey.
It is no secret that we did not immediately bond. I knew I adored you, I knew I wanted you more than anything, and I knew you were the perfect choice for me, chosen by the Creator to be my girl long before I ever dreamed of you. I expected to see you for the first time, and feel an overwhelming and complete love for you.

Everyone told me that the moment you were placed in my arms, the moment you were mine, it would hit me, that there would be a bond of mother-daughter love that would be startling. A devotion, a   feeling of love so crazy that life before you would be inconceivable. But that isn’t our story…

I knew I loved you…I had looked at your smile, your eyes, your hair, your cheeks, in pictures for months…and I loved them. But it would be months after you came home before I truly LOVED you…with a mommy love. Months. It was a long time to wait…but you were worth it. You were my little mess, my tiny disaster. You were quite sick, and you needed me every second of every day. I was on the brink of losing my sanity. You were my high maintenance girl, and the change you brought to my life was shocking.

But I wanted you. I wanted you when you were just a picture in my purse, and that comforting feeling helped me to make it through those first painful months.

I hand-fed you, looking into your eyes while I took care of your needs. I rocked you and gave you a bottle at night, and felt your little body finally start to relax against mine.
I talked to other mothers, mothers whose children came to them through trauma, and I came to realize that you are I…we were normal. And this vibrant, colorful love we have now was always there somewhere… just like a seed, waiting to bloom into bright, beautiful flowers.
I believed it would come.
I waited and waited.
And finally…it was there. It came quietly and calmly when I least expected it. Suddenly it was there…the mommy love. It would still be a long time before you loved me back, but my love was there to guide your way.

It grew, and grew, until it was consuming. It washed over me like an ocean. That love was and is so sweet. You are my girl and I am your mommy, there was no mistake. There was just a waiting time, a sowing before harvest, a time of working before the reward. And it was a reward.
Because sometimes, when something is very good, and worthwhile, you have to wait for it. Sometimes the great things don’t follow a set plan. But they are always worth the wait.

I am so thankful to be your mommy.
I am thankful for your kisses, and your “ten hugs” at night.
I am thankful for your wanting to always be near me, and for your sweet cuddles.

You are my girl, my precious one. You are my greatest, and one of the best things that ever happened to me.
You taught me how to choose love even when it is hard. You taught me how to wait.

And you, precious girl, were so worth the wait!