Saturday, January 31, 2015

Throwback (Way Back) Letter To Little M

I wrote this post way back in August of 2012, two years after we brought our little M home... I left the pictures from 2012, because she is the very cutest 4 1/2 year old that ever was. It's good to look back. It reminds us of how far we have really come!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

And Then Love

My dearest little M,

We have had a long road, you and I. Some parts of that road were easy going, and some were twisty, and hard. I think both of us are glad to be on this side of the journey.
It is no secret that we did not immediately bond. I knew I adored you, I knew I wanted you more than anything, and I knew you were the perfect choice for me, chosen by the Creator to be my girl long before I ever dreamed of you. I expected to see you for the first time, and feel an overwhelming and complete love for you.

Everyone told me that the moment you were placed in my arms, the moment you were mine, it would hit me, that there would be a bond of mother-daughter love that would be startling. A devotion, a   feeling of love so crazy that life before you would be inconceivable. But that isn't our story...

I knew I loved you...I had looked at your smile, your eyes, your hair, your cheeks, in pictures for months...and I loved them. But it would be months after you came home before I truly LOVED you...with a mommy love. Months. It was a long time to wait...but you were worth it. You were my little mess, my tiny disaster. You were quite sick, and you needed me every second of every day. I was on the brink of losing my sanity. You were my high maintenance girl, and the change you brought to my life was shocking.

But I wanted you. I wanted you when you were just a picture in my purse, and that comforting feeling helped me to make it through those first painful months.

I hand-fed you, looking into your eyes while I took care of your needs. I rocked you and gave you a bottle at night, and felt your little body finally start to relax against mine.
I talked to other mothers, mothers whose children came to them through trauma, and I came to realize that you are I...we were normal. And this vibrant, colorful love we have now was always there somewhere... just like a seed, waiting to bloom into bright, beautiful flowers.
I believed it would come.
I waited and waited.
And was there. It came quietly and calmly when I least expected it. Suddenly it was there...the mommy love. It would still be a long time before you loved me back, but my love was there to guide your way.

It grew, and grew, until it was consuming. It washed over me like an ocean. That love was and is so sweet. You are my girl and I am your mommy, there was no mistake. There was just a waiting time, a sowing before harvest, a time of working before the reward. And it was a reward.
Because sometimes, when something is very good, and worthwhile, you have to wait for it. Sometimes the great things don't follow a set plan. But they are always worth the wait.

I am so thankful to be your mommy.
I am thankful for your kisses, and your "ten hugs" at night.
I am thankful for your wanting to always be near me, and for your sweet cuddles.

You are my girl, my precious one. You are my greatest, and one of the best things that ever happened to me.
You taught me how to choose love even when it is hard. You taught me how to wait.

And you, precious girl, were so worth the wait!

Friday, January 30, 2015

Friday Phone Dump...

Going for a ride...

Mommy had a face mask on. It was green!

Tiny P's special heart, drawn by her surgeon...

Sleeping beauty.

Crazy hair, post hospital "bath"

This grandma sure does love my babies. I think the feeling is mutual!

Going home...

Happy girl in a bath.

Why do we have to keep coming back to this hospital, again?

She likes the "stickers"

I love how he rolls...


This girl. She is growing up too fast. WAY too fast...

Thursday, January 29, 2015

This day...

Five years ago today we got a text while we were out eating breakfast that said, simply, "she is locked." I cried. We then promptly went home to write our letter of intent and send it to our adoption agency, and to stare at the picture of the little baby girl who was going to be ours...because five years ago today is the day we found out that we were going to adopt our little M!

Sunday, January 25, 2015


No healthy Christian ever chooses suffering; he chooses God's will, as Jesus did, whether it means suffering or not.  ~ Oswald Chambers

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Happy For Home...

Tiny P was very happy to hear on Thursday afternoon that she was going home!

She was ecstatic when we started to pack up.

Her nurse stated putting all the drug orders in, and going over her med schedule for at home...

And then, when we were almost ready to get going, baby girl started having some irregular heart rhythms. So the checking out got put on hold, and we waited to get the print out of her heart monitor, and see what was going on. It was decided that we should still go home, but tiny P would be on a holter monitor.

We got her all hooked up to her portable monitor, and off we went. Tiny P was SO happy to get in the car. Poor baby... I always wonder what is going through her little mind when she has to be in the hospital, and if she wonders if we will take her home. She got the holter monitor off last night, so we will wait to hear the results of that. For now, we are keeping a close eye on our girl... walking is hard for her, and she is unsteady when she is sitting.
We have her first post surgery clinic on Tuesday, and at the beginning of February we will talk about when we want to do her next heart catheterization, so we can decide the next best steps for our girl!

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

The Debate...

Tiny P got her heart's pacing wires taken out today after her EKG, and the only thing left will be the stitches from her chest tubes. I love seeing her gain a little more freedom and mobility with each thing that gets removed.

The big news for today is that she has been taken off the supplemental oxygen (again!)

I talked with the surgeon today, and he said that he is fine with her oxygen saturation levels being in the 60s, which is where she mostly is when she is not on O2. He said that given her heart health, he doesn't expect it to get better than that for quite some time, if ever, and he thinks she should go home tomorrow where she will do better, and we can come in daily or every other day for X-rays, and monitoring.
The cardiac team disagrees and really wants to see her levels back up in the 80s, without supplemental O2.
I guess we will see tomorrow who wins!

I joked with the surgeon that we didn't see him nearly as much when little M had her surgery, and he laughed, then said more seriously (in his very cute australian accent) "ah, yes, well, baby Paisley and I are going to be seeing very much of each other in her lifetime. We will be great friends!"
I love having a surgeon who cares so much about our girl, but it also made me a little sad...

Tiny P has a long heart journey ahead of her!

But for now, I am so thankful that we get to take her home!

Can you believe that in a week, our girl has gone from this...

To this?!